Catharsis 1: Strength

“first, my prayers and condolences... i won't say that i know how it feels how to lose a father. and i know that i cannot do anything to make things easier.but i would like to thank you for sharing your thoughts. i hope that i can be as brave as you are. your piece really touched me. i couldn't stop crying. hugs to you.”

This was my private message to a friend when their family lost their father in mid January. I admired her for her strength – writing how she felt during their time of crisis. I saw a certain kind of fortitude that I wanted to have when the time comes. Never have I thought that only after less than 2 weeks, I would be in their shoes. Thank you for your courage in putting your feelings in paper.

It was somehow easier for me since I was away. The distance has kept me in a bubble, free from the worries back home. I never saw him in the hospital, I never saw him weak, I never saw him close his eyes for the last time, I never saw the medical staff attempt to revive him. My last memory of daddy is that he was still alive, albeit a bit weak, when I kissed him and told him that I was leaving for Manila.

I could not imagine how mommy and sister felt during that critical time. I never dared to ask. I don’t want to know… for now.

Another friend who also lost his father last year, told me about how difficult it was for him to see his father slowly succumbing to his illness. He told me how, being at his bedside, it pained him to see his father look at him, knowing that he has a few moments to live. I know it’s difficult for you to relieve that moment, but I thank you for sharing the pain that you felt. It somehow eased mine.

A lot of friends have shared their own struggles of how it is like to lose someone dear to you. Thank you for making me realize that I, too, will feel better soon.

I would like to thank you…
… for being with me at the airport during the darkest moment in my life
… for being the first faces I saw when I got back to the Philippines
… for taking care of things and informing friends of my father’s passing
… for being with me on the way home
… for sharing your stories and painful moments, remembering your own parent’s demise
… for being there. Thank you for showing up. Your presence was a pleasant surprise
… for giving your support, not just to me, but to my mother, my sister and the whole family
… for the messages, calls, hugs, squeeze in the hands
… for the flowers, food, cards and financial support
… for telling me what to do after this. Your words of advice are very valuable
… for making me laugh
… for sharing your stories about daddy
… for your affirmation that daddy is indeed special
… for your friendship
… for your strength… you inspire me


11:00am
08 February, 2010
Monday
Onboard SilkAir flight
from Phnom Penh to Singapore

Guillermo M. Mercado

I would like to take this opportunity to introduce our daddy, Guillermo M. Mercado to everyone. You might have known him as an insurance agent, a teacher and an active member of various civic and religious organizations, but I am sure that there are so many things you don’t know about him.

As you all know, he is a very quiet and soft-spoken man – will not brag nor sing his own praises. So please allow me to speak lengthily about him, so you will know how special he really is.

Daddy is known as Emong to his parents, siblings, relatives and childhood friends. He is the 5th of 8 children. She was born in Malasin, San Jose, Nueva Ecija. In May of 2009, while we were going home to Isabela from Manila, he suddenly suggested to go around San Jose to look for their old house. I remember him telling us where he used to live and where his old school was, and reminisce about his childhood.

I also remember him always telling my sister and I when we were small, a very old story of how he nearly wasn’t able to go up the stage for his elementary graduation. He didn’t have shoes, and had to borrow a pair from a classmate. I also remember him telling us that he used to walk from their house going to school. He, together with his siblings, had a very simple life. They had nothing most of the time, so he knew how it is to make both ends meet.

He is Guillermo to his classmates and friends. Our mommy always told us about this story, how daddy was a math wiz. He was known in their college as the one who was good in math.

He is Guilly to his colleagues. He met his best friend and wife at La Salette of Aurora where they were both teaching high school. He was teaching Theology then. When he saw our mother, he knew that she was the one for him. So he wrote her love letters which mommy still kept until now. (You can see a sample of his letters, posted on the glass door in front). He was Romeo, and mommy was his Juliet.

Guilly was a well-rounded young man. He played the guitar and the harmonica. He attempted to draw and make sketches. He also liked playing table tennis. He is a musician and an artist. But please don’t ask him to sing. It is a constant family joke that he, like my sister, are tone deaf and sintonado.

He is Darleng to his wife and best friend. They did not call each other Darling. They called each other Darleng. They were inseparable. It was not only their friends and colleagues who noticed this, but also our relatives and even my and Divine’s friends. He is Batman to Robin, and Robin to Batman.

Mommy always used to tell us… “Your daddy is one in a million”. That means that there are only 92 daddies in the Philippines who are as great as you, Daddy. And now, this elite group is down to 91.

He is Kuyang to mommy’s relatives. He treated mommy’s relatives, not as in-laws, but as his own. He unselfishly shared what our family had to relatives, without expecting anything in return.

He is daddy to me and Divine/Mayette and to our cousins, Bullet, Boss and Sir. He and mommy only had 2 children, because they wanted us to have the best. They were struggling financially when we were still young, so they felt that 2 children were enough. I knew this because he always told us. He worked before with the National Statistics Office. I remember going to his office in Aurora, Isabela, and seeing pop-ed comics about family planning.

Daddy was a very good provider – dedicated, focused and very innovative. When we were small, he had a vegetable garden in our backyard. He always told us that as long as we have vegetables in the garden, we will never grow hungry. We had kamote, pechay, papaya trees, calamansi, kamias, chico, coconut, Chinese tea and others.

He also had a beautiful flower garden in front of our house. He had roses and daisies, and planted Bermuda grass. I remember that we used to help him weed out the lawn so we can sit down in the afternoon on a bed of lush Bermuda greens.

He taught us how to recycle – bottles, plastic bags, furniture, clothes, almost everything. In our household, we make maximize everything before throwing it away. He made a compost pit in our backyard, and used the old compost as fertilizers for his plants. He is a handyman and an environmentalist.

Not many of you will know, but our daddy is also a magician. He had so many magic tricks with the pingpong ball, with ropes and with cards. I remember that my sister and I used to assist our Daddy Magician during his performances in front of our cousins and friends.

He is also into photography. My sister and I are very lucky because we became his most favorite subjects. So we had albums of baby pictures. I remember that he used to have a Dark Room to process all his photos. Unfortunately, he had to sell his equipments to give way for more important expenses.

My sister and I were very happy when Daddy purchased our very first family transportation – a motorcycle. I think that was back in 1982. He bought the motorcycle when in fact, he doesn’t know how to ride a bike. So he taught himself how to ride a motorcycle. That is how determined he was.

Being an educator himself, he sent us to good schools, even if it meant sacrificing the luxuries that couples usually have – vacations and travels. He also knew the value of having good books for his children. He had a part time job selling Grolier books. This also gave him opportunities to buy expensive books on discount. So my sister and I had so many books, that some our friends and classmates regularly visit the house just to read. He knows how to motivate us and refused to spoon-feed us. Every time we ask him what the meaning of a word is, he tells us to look it up into our very big and old dictionary.

My father is a very good salesperson. He sold almost everything – from books, personal effects, car insurance, life insurance, to health insurance. I remember a good friend telling me, “Ang hirap magbenta sa bahay nyo. Bibili nga ang daddy mo. Pero pag labas ko ng bahay nyo, may naibenta din sya sa akin. Kulang pa ang tubo ko para pambayad.” That’s how good he was. I think it’s because he really believes in what he is selling. And he is doing that not just to make profit, but to help.

Very slowly, daddy and mommy ‘s hardwork paid off. Friends and relatives noticed that slowly, our finances were getting better and our lives were getting more comfortable. But even if he can already afford to buy expensive shoes, designer shirts and perfumes, he preferred the simple things in life. He still wore white shirt from Caritas, his company. He wore only a couple of comfortable diabetic-friendly shoes. He only wore clothes and perfumes which are gifts from us.

He is Lolo to Summer, Red, Marcus and Bossing. He was very patient with the kids, never getting tired of answering their why’s and explaining very difficult questions like, “Why is the moon following us?”. When he was still driving, he brings his apo’s to school and picks them up after. He taught them how to recycle used bond paper into sketch and notepads. He taught them how to organize their things and how not to make a mess.

I am so happy to see people tonight. Friends he made for the past years – from Aurora, from the Knights of Columbus, from Kabalikat, from insurance companies, from Marriage Encounter, from BCBP, from Caritas. I know that Daddy touched your lives somehow.

I hope that tonight, you have known him better. He is a Salesperson, Romeo to his Juliet, an Educator, Math wiz, Magician, Musician, Artist, Green thumb, Photographer, an Environmentalist, and so much more.

He is Guillermo, Emong, Guilly, My Darleng, Kuyang, Daddy, Lolo…

We will surely miss you, Daddy. But I know that you have lived a full life. So our tears are not for you. Our tears are for us, because we will miss you. We love you so much!

Malikhaing Pagsulat

*a free-writing exercise in Filipino*

Nung nasa Unibersidad pa ako, kinailangan kong kumuha ng isang subject sa Filipino. Elective lang naman, pero required kasi, so kailangan sumunod.

Malikhaing Pagsulat... yan ang kinuha kong elective. Ok naman daw ang subject na ito. Basta ang kabilin-bilinan sa akin, huwag mo kunin si Jun Cruz Reyes na teacher.

Sino na nga ba si Jun Cruz Reyes? Parang napaka-familiar ng pangalan nya. Hmmm... ah oo! Sya ang sumulat ng isang essay na binasa namin nung high school. Actually nagustuhan ko ang essay nya -- easy reading at witty. Nakalimutan ko ang title, pero alam ko... sinabi nya na kung si Jesus Christ daw ay pumasok sa kolehiyo, malamang napagalitan at nasita sya dahil sa kanyang long hair. Witty, di ba?

Anyways, balik sa Malikhaing Pagsulat. Samakatuwid, pumila ako at nagpa-enroll sa subject na ito. Habang nakapila, nagdadasal na wag sana si Jun Cruz Reyes ang maging teacher.

Unang araw ng klase. Pumasok ang teacher sa room -- maliit, maitim, payat, medyo dugyot, kung titignang mabuti. Unang salita... "Class, ako si..."... at isinulat ang pangalan sa blackboard...

J...U...N...

POTA!!! Si Jun Cruz Reyes! Talaga naman pag sinwerte ka! Sa lahat ng UP Professors sa Filipino, bakit sya pa?!

So yun nga, ang kinatatakutang si Jun Cruz Reyes ang teacher ko. Wala na akong magagawa. Pinaghirapan kong pilahan ito (hindi pa computerized ang registration nung araw), at mahirap nang mag-ChangeMat (change matriculation).

I vowed to myself na gagalingan ko, para hindi ako mapahiya sa klase. Kilala itong si Jun na mahilig mang-okray ng mga estudyante.

Sa awa ng Diyos, hindi naman nya ako na-okray... ng masyado. May mga pahaging paminsan, pero kumpara sa mga salitang binitiwan nya tungkol sa mga classmates ko, ok na ako dun.

Sabi nya sa classmate kong half-chinese... "Chinese ka kasi... kaya ka hindi makasunod"

Sabi nya sa isang star player ng Volleyball Varsity Team... "Puro bola kasi inaatupag mo"

Sabi nya sa klase in general... "Gusto nyo magyosi? Lumabas kayo ng classroom. Teacher lang pwede magyosi." (habang humihitit sa kanyang yosi)

Ang tanong... bakit ako nagsusulat tungkol kay Jun Cruz Reyes? Dahil nagkaroon ako ng urge na sumulat sa tagalog. Mahirap at challenging ang Malikhaing Pagsulat... pero susubukan. Kaya, abangan!


3:05pm
17 January 2010
Ladprao Song 1

Empake

6 word blog...

bye Gotham, till we meet again!



6:05pm
10 January 2010

* this is my first blog entry for 2010, and i settled for the 6-word blog. tsk tsk... have to do better next time *

2010

Scars remind us where we've been...

... but it doesn't have to dictate where we're going.

Here's to new chapters, great adventures, exciting trails, fresh start, happy beginnings! :)

Joey Albert

I remember the boy...
But I don't remember the feelings anymore.

(sobrang cheezzyyy!!!)


10:40pm
23 December 2009
Wednesday
Cable-landia

Dumbo

I am now in Chiang Mai. Around this time last year, I was also here. But unlike today, I was on vacation last year.

I can't really complain because I enjoy what I'm doing... so it doesn't really feel like work.

On my way to Chiang Mai (the land of elephants) from Bangkok, the Thai airways flight kept on playing xmas songs. For the first time this year, I felt xmas. I actually felt a tug in my heart (tagalog translation: kurot sa puso). Not the painful kind, more like a nudge, a reminder that this beating organ still exists. I made a mental note to make use of it soon. Me heart needs some exercise -- literally and figuratively.

As the plane was about to land, I was smiling. And as I looked out in my window, I swear I saw little Dumbo, flying in the Chiang Mai sky... his snout brightly glowing with a red color, and Santa's sleigh tied at his back.

Merry xmas, Dumbo!


10:30pm
15 December 2009
Tuesday
SP Hotel
Chiang Mai

Bite My Tongue

They say that when you have nothing good to say, don't open your mouth. Bob Ong, a Filipino contemporary author known for using humor in writings, put it in a more interesting way. But I forgot how we said it.

Anyways... my point is... where I am now made me realize that with all the potholes, pollution, garbage, poverty, greedy politicians and killings in the Philippines, we are still better off -- in a lot of ways.

I wanted to say more, but I don't want to say bad things about another country (and more importantly, I don't want to be deported). I don't like hearing foreigners describing the Philippines in a negative light, so I will just keep my silence.

However, there are words which I will forever associate with this place...
... dust
... sad eyes
... old

But I am almost sure that I will have more words, more beautiful words, to describe it in the future.


11:00pm
December 08, 2009
Tuesday
Golden Buffalo Hotel

TV Addict

TV addict...

nope, not me.

my neighbor.

from my room's bath, i can hear my neighbor's tv on overtime mode. i think they NEVER turn it off! and for that, thai telenovelas and tv ads are part of my room's ambient sound.

that's my neighbor...
scientific name: televisionus adiktus


10:05pm
03 December 2009
Thursday
Ladprao Soi Nung
BKK

Massacre

Horrible, despicable, inhuman, savage, pure evil.

Slowly

6 word entry:

"Bangkok... loving every bit of it!"




what have i done so far in bangkok?
- ate raw vegetables and weeds (dipped in super hot sauce)
- tried to be vegetarian for a day (but kept snacking on chips)
- rode a non-aircon bus again (after 10 years)
- took the subway
- ate super spicy (hot) food!
- ate cendol (thai style)
- went to a bar and saw a male star from Bubble Gang
- made new friends
- learned thai phrases (i know how to count in thai now!)
- was supposed to ask "how much?" in thai, but said "go straight ahead" instead (hahaha!)
- was at a total loss when cab driver wouldn't stop when i said "trong pae", then learned after that i was telling him to go straight some more.



19 November, 2009
Thursday
my room, Ladprao Soi 1
BKK

Bangkok

I'm back in Bangkok.

New work.

New house.

New office.

New colleagues.

New life.

New adventures.

I am hoping for new and happy trails.

For photos of my new house, visit my Facebook account.


4:55 pm
12 November 2009
Thursday
Jatujak, Bangkok

Torn

i'm excited...

then not...

mixed emotions



07 November 2009
Saturday
Gotham

Wrong

*6 word blog entry*

You're My Right Kind of Wrong


October 26
Monday
Cablelandia

Neruda

I'm back to my 6-word blog entries. My entry for today...

"If You Forget Me, by Neruda"



19 October 2009
Monday
Kiddie Toes Montessori School
Santiago City, Isabela

Teargas

I've always told my friends that i am apolitical. Even after studying at the University, or having worked with different civil society organizations since 1997, i still consider myself to be apolitical. (I refuse to be sucked in all these political ideological debates).

Having said that, i have very little experience in mobilization and street rallies. I've only attended 3 rallies my entire life. And that also means that i have not experienced how it is to be hosed down with water from firetrucks, or being beaten by policemen, or tear-gassed for that matter. And that's fine with me. These experiences are something which i do not really seek.

So it was a bit of an irony when i was able to experience how it is to be teargassed... in Istanbul!

I am now here attending a CSO Strategy Session at the World Bank Annual General Meeting. We were having a very peaceful strategic meeting in our hotel when we noticed a burning smell. Then it became stronger, and i noticed that it was very similar to the smell of my Chemistry 16 class way back in college. Then my throat started getting parched and itchy, and my eyes were irritated and became watery. That's when we realized that the police released tear gas targetted to the protesters, which were located outside of our hotel.

They had to shut close the hotel so no one can go out. You know how NGO people are, they will sacrifice their safety just to be in the thick of the action.

So there, i can proudly say that i've been teargassed. Does that mean that i am now less apolitical? *wink*


12:55 am
07 October 2009
Wednesday
Hotel Grand Star
Istanbul

ps.
remind me to tell you about the Filipino Mafia, Baklava, The Russian Guy and The Boots.

Distance

my 6-word blog for the day:

"I think I don't miss you."


i've been really lazy lately. i don't want to write, because i might write something i'd soon regret.

more aptly put in tagalog.... ayokong ibuhos... baka malunod ako.


4:20pm
27 September 2009
Sunday
Batu Ferringhi, Penang

Ilusyonada

6-word blog entry:

Hoping it's not just Fata Morgana.


9:30pm
20 September 2009
Sunday
My Shoebox (glad to be back)

6 Word Blog

.
new face... old feeling... scares me.


2:50pm
12 September 2009
Saturday
Santiago City

6 Word Memoir: on what i feel today

saw him again. he's happy... bummer!


10:10pm
Aug 22, 2009
Saturday
Cable-landia