Screening

Someone once told me, "Why do you always hold back?". My answer was, "I do not!".

But that same night, while I lay in bed, I assessed all the situations and relationships I've had. Only to finally realize that I do hold back. I hold out and resist to things, therefore making them non-spontaneous and painfully difficult.

I don't know why, and I can't even fathom when I started doing this. But one thing is for sure, I do hold back.

I screen my calls coming in through my landline. I have caller ID. So unless you tell me that you are calling, or unless I am familiar with the number flashing in the phone monitor, I won't pick up.

I have gazilion of pending invites from acquaintances in various social networking sites -- facebook, flickr, multiply, friendster, and other sites that I don't even bother to open. If I don't feel that you've been part of my life in any way, I don't see any reason for adding you in my network.

I don't give out my first name to guys (and generally to people) I meet in bars or parties. I usually give out my second name, Grace. They can google me all they want, and they will end up with a thousand hits of the name 'Grace'.

The same is true for my mobile number. I usually give out my Globe number to people who have the tendency to become bothersome or demanding. It's easier to ignore text messages and calls. I can always make an excuse that I don't check that line regularly (which is actually true).

I don't usually say 'I love you' to people I love -- whether friends, or lovers or family. My argument is that if they feel the same way, they will know how I feel about them.

I admit... I screen. I hold back. I resist.

I don't know when I'll stop screening, holding back or resisting. The truth is, I'm not even sure if I want to.


10:40 pm
20 November 2008
Thursday
Santiago City