Catharsis 3: How are you?

“How are you?”

That’s the question I usually get nowadays. And I honestly don’t know how to answer that. I don’t know what kind of answer is expected – “I am sad”?… “I am fine”?… “No comment?”

I know that my dear friends do not really expect an answer, and that they just want to show their sympathy, empathy and love. But that question really made me think… how am I doing now?

The truth is… I am not depressed… but I am not happy either. I won’t say that I was devastated with my father’s passing. But I feel this deep sense of sadness every time I remember him. This longing makes me cry at night, especially when I’m alone. It makes me cry when I read a consoling letter from friends, even from those who didn’t even know him. It makes me cry now, that I am writing about him.

I told a good friend that maybe I am not devastated because I didn’t have a lot issues about my father. We had a fairly normal and happy relationship – no frustrations, no regrets, no drama. There were not much thunder and lightning. It was mostly easy, peaceful and calm. There were a lot of fond memories with my father. And my 3-page eulogy for him did not do justice to how he was as a father.

I know that he has lived a very full life. And for 35 years of that life, he was a very good father to me. I couldn’t, and shouldn’t, ask for more. He has provided so many things, experiences and opportunities, that I am fine when he had to leave. What breaks my heart is the fact that my nieces could have seen more of their lolo. And that my own child/ren could have played with their lolo, and watched their lolo perform magic. I feel deep sadness everytime I am reminded that my mommy would now spend her days without daddy. I feel sad for those who did not know him and how special he was.

I am fine most of the time. He has brought me up to be someone strong enough to weather these kinds of situations. So there is really nothing to be sad about, except for the fact that I miss him sometimes. But as a friend said, it is the good kind of missing someone. He didn’t go because he wanted to leave us. It’s just that it was his time to go.

So when faced with the same question again, I will just say, “Ok lang”. And maybe add, “I cry, but my life goes on”.

(Eppie, when I read this piece again, I realized that I talked about him in the past tense. I guess that means that it has sunk it.)