artwork

below are pictures of my attempt in art...

Dizzy

watermelons in watercolor

fruit basket

sideview

indian landscape -- view from my room

silya ni Van Gogh

science experiment

Aftershocks – after the tremor

I am most afraid of earthquakes. It reminds me of how people like us are the mercy of the forces of nature. No amount of wealth, power, beauty and love can save one from the wrath of earthquakes. It is a very powerful and malevolent equalizer.

These tremors, no matter how low in intensity, always leave me in a state of utter panic. Once the ground starts shaking, and furnitures move around, I want to scream my head off and run… run to anywhere safe, stable and quiet. But at the back of my mind, I know that no place is safe at that moment, I will feel the tremors no matter where I am. I envision scenarios where buildings collapse, trees get uprooted, the ground opens up, and swallows cars and people. These morbid thoughts I always associate with earthquakes.

Then there are those we call aftershocks. These are the tremors we feel a little after the major earthquake. Aftershocks happen because the newly-moved rock has to be settled. These are most often lower in intensity and less disastrous, but can still do damage to lives and properties. I know that I should be more calm and composed since aftershocks are just that… minor tremors after the major shock. But somehow, I feel the same sense of panic and fright during these aftershocks. The dangerous thing about aftershocks is that these are unpredictable and can catch people off guard.

Aftershocks scare me – whether from the earthquake or from a major emotional disaster. After a really hurtful heartbreak, I relieve the experience of the actual heart-wrenching situation each and every time these “aftershocks” come. The sad thing is, these emotional aftershocks do not come minutes after the big tremor. It comes weeks and even months after – at times when you feel that one is finally at peace and can move on, when one is alone, when one is amidst a busy crowd, when one is at the height of the toxicity at work – it does not have a fixed timeframe, situation, trigger, nor a reason. It just comes – mocking you and bringing that same deep-in-the abyss feeling that you thought you have gotten over with, that you have forgotten. It makes you feel unsafe and vulnerable.

The sad part is, I feel the same intense panic, shock and confusion each and every time these emotional aftershocks happen. The evil ghosts of the past continue to show their ugly selves and desperately try to make me remember how painful and hurting the experience is.

But now I know better, aftershocks are just there to make you remember that once in your life, there were these tremors. But they cannot hurt you anymore, they are just there as persistent reminders that in life, tremors will come. We just have to be ready and strong when it does come. And that aftershocks are necessary, for all the debris and memories to finally settle down.


27 May 2006
Saturday
07:51pm
QC

On my birthday…

Every year, during my birthday, I am used to waiting for greetings and messages from friends, deriving joy and strength from their words of encouragement, appreciation and love. This year, I want to be able to express how I feel for friends like you.

I am very blessed to have known people like you. I am glad that you have been part of this journey that I call life. No matter how bumpy and winding the road may be, I am cushioned by your constant love and dedication. No matter how many times I’ve wanted to give up because I’ve made another wrong turn, your words have navigated me and guided me to the right direction.

If I have offended you in some way, my apologies.

If I have done something for you, I promise to do it better next time.

Thank you for being a friend, and thank you for allowing me to be one of yours.

Thank you very much. I am eternally grateful.




9:35pm
Sunday
21 May 2006
my bed, QC

My checklist – The ideal guy

This will really sound stupid. But I have made a checklist of what my ideal guy/jowa should have. The list was just 5 items short 10 years ago, but now, it is longer than my weekly grocery list.

Here’s the list, well, the partial list:
1. Should be funny and witty
2. Should be honest and faithful
3. Should be smart
4. Should be from UP, Ateneo, La Salle, or UST.
5. Should know how to drive
6. Can drink more than I do
7. Knows how to play a musical instrument
8. Must be taller than me
9. Must know how to play billiards
10. Must know how to swim

That’s the first 10 items in my list. The rest, I can do without. Ika nga, hindi ko ipapagpatayan.

Now, to tell you frankly, most of the guys I’ve dated, they only have an average of 6 traits. I have yet to find someone who will fit all the items in the list. If and when I can find him, and if he does exists, then he would be my toad, my prince, my god.

Anyone know this guy?



10:13pm
Monday
08 May 2006
QC

Bagay sa iyo, foreigner…

Bakit ganon? Ako lang ba ito? Bakit lagi akong nasasabihan ng, “Feeling ko, mapapangasawa mo foreigner”, o kaya naman, “Bagay sa iyo foreigner”. Bakeeet? Meron bang nakapaskil sa noo ko na “For export”? Gusto ko for local consumption ako!

Kung ang iba, napipikon sa mga hirit na, “Hayaan mo, dadating din yan”. Ako hindi, sanay na ako dyan. Natutunan ko nang deadmahin. Pasok sa isang tenga, labas sa kabila. Pero ang magandang trick dyan, sabihin mo, “Oo naman, dadating talaga sya.” Sabayan mo pa ng sweetest smile mo, tignan mo, winner talaga! Hindi ka na nila gagambalain, promise!

Back to foreigners. Hindi naman ako racist, of course not! Hindi din naman sa kinamumuhian ko ang ibang lahi. Pero sadya lang talaga na love ko ang mga Pinoy. Masyado ko yatang na-internalize ang lesson ko nung elementary – Love your own, Pinoy First. Kaya heto ako ngayon, nagpupumilit na gusto ko ang pinoy!

Hindi ko mawari kung maiinis ako, mapipikon, o maaaliw sa mga ganitong hirit, na foreigner ang bagay sa akin. Ilang tao na ang naringgan ko ng ganyang hirit – kaibigan, kamag-anak, kaaway, kaopisina, dating boyfriend. Bakit ba? Wala ba akong karapatang lumigaya sa isang Pinoy? Bakit kailangang foreigner? Ayoko nga! Ang kulit ng lahi nyo!

Hindi nyo ba napapansin, kapag ang isang babae ay umabot na sa past 30s, na wala pa ding asawa, o hindi pa engaged to be married, sinasabi ng karamihan, “Foreigner ang magiging boyfriend nya.” Arghhh! Parang ang ibig sabihin, dahil huli na sa byahe, wala nang magkakagustong Pinoy, at mga foreigners na lang ang kayang mag-handle ng relasyon sa isang mature (and mind you, phenomenal) woman like me. Napakababa naman ng tingin natin sa mga Pinoy kung ganon, tsk tsk. At napaka-swerte naman ng mga foreigners. Ang mga Pinay na naglaan ng oras para magtrabaho, i-develop and sarili at maging mature at independent, ay hindi makakasama ng mga Pinoy, kundi ng mga foreign-germs! Ang mga banyaga na walang alam sa ating kultura, pagkatao at pag-iisip. Tsk tsk, kaawa-awang mga Pinoy.

Pero syempre, meron naman na by choice ang pagkakaroon nila ng jowang foreign-germ. Napakadaming rason ang narinig ko – para maputi ang anak, para matangos ang ilong ng baby, para makapunta sa States, para magka-green card, I’m in love. At nire-respeto ko ang lahat ng iyan. Pero yun nga, choice talaga kasi ang pagpasok sa kahit ano mang relasyon. And my choice is… Pinoy or Bust!

Bakit nga ba ayoko sa foreigner? Hmmm… let me count the reasons. Una, napaka-komportable ko sa tagalog. Isipin nyo na lang, pag galit na galit ako, mas masarap pa ding magmura sa tagalog! Mas masarap mag kwento at humirit. Napaka-importante sa akin ng conversations. How can I have a really deep, intense and meaningful conversation when I can’t fully express myself? At saka baka kasi maubusan ako ng ingles, eh magkapikunan lang kami, at later on, baka mag sign language na lang kami hahaha!

Pangalawa, sa Pilipinas ko gustong tumanda. Pag foreigner ang magiging partner ko, may possibility na hindi dito manirahan. Mami-miss ko ang traffic, bagoong, chippy at lucky me instant pancit canton. Ayoko! Pangatlo… ahhhh… hmmm… wala na akong maisip. Pero I think the 2 reasons would suffice.

Sige, challenge me. Tanungin mo sa akin, pano pag wala talagang Pinoy na bagay sa akin? Basta eto lang, first choice ko Pinoy. Second choice ko, Pinoy pa din. Third, fourth and fifth, Pinoy! In short, pag sobrang tagtuyot na dito sa Pilipinas, I will accede that it’s time to explore other islands. Pero sana lang, kung hindi Pinoy, Brazilian ang gusto ko. Bakit? Basta! I have my reasons hehehe.

Pero yun nga, ang sabi ng mga matanda, kung sino ang ayaw mo, yun ang mapupunta sa iyo. Kaya ngayon pa lang, gusto kong sabihin na “I hate Pinoys!”.


7:45 pm
29 April 2006
Saturday
Sorsogon City, Sorsogon