Aftershocks – after the tremor

I am most afraid of earthquakes. It reminds me of how people like us are the mercy of the forces of nature. No amount of wealth, power, beauty and love can save one from the wrath of earthquakes. It is a very powerful and malevolent equalizer.

These tremors, no matter how low in intensity, always leave me in a state of utter panic. Once the ground starts shaking, and furnitures move around, I want to scream my head off and run… run to anywhere safe, stable and quiet. But at the back of my mind, I know that no place is safe at that moment, I will feel the tremors no matter where I am. I envision scenarios where buildings collapse, trees get uprooted, the ground opens up, and swallows cars and people. These morbid thoughts I always associate with earthquakes.

Then there are those we call aftershocks. These are the tremors we feel a little after the major earthquake. Aftershocks happen because the newly-moved rock has to be settled. These are most often lower in intensity and less disastrous, but can still do damage to lives and properties. I know that I should be more calm and composed since aftershocks are just that… minor tremors after the major shock. But somehow, I feel the same sense of panic and fright during these aftershocks. The dangerous thing about aftershocks is that these are unpredictable and can catch people off guard.

Aftershocks scare me – whether from the earthquake or from a major emotional disaster. After a really hurtful heartbreak, I relieve the experience of the actual heart-wrenching situation each and every time these “aftershocks” come. The sad thing is, these emotional aftershocks do not come minutes after the big tremor. It comes weeks and even months after – at times when you feel that one is finally at peace and can move on, when one is alone, when one is amidst a busy crowd, when one is at the height of the toxicity at work – it does not have a fixed timeframe, situation, trigger, nor a reason. It just comes – mocking you and bringing that same deep-in-the abyss feeling that you thought you have gotten over with, that you have forgotten. It makes you feel unsafe and vulnerable.

The sad part is, I feel the same intense panic, shock and confusion each and every time these emotional aftershocks happen. The evil ghosts of the past continue to show their ugly selves and desperately try to make me remember how painful and hurting the experience is.

But now I know better, aftershocks are just there to make you remember that once in your life, there were these tremors. But they cannot hurt you anymore, they are just there as persistent reminders that in life, tremors will come. We just have to be ready and strong when it does come. And that aftershocks are necessary, for all the debris and memories to finally settle down.


27 May 2006
Saturday
07:51pm
QC