From the Inside, Looking Out

I am back in my hometown. I am now in the same house that I grew up in. I am at this moment, looking out from the inside, from the same window of the house.

My earliest memory of this spot is when I was around 5 years old. It was a rainy day, and both my parents were out working. Thus, I was left with my yaya. I was looking out the window, and I distinctly remember three things – rain steadily pouring onto the roses and daisies in our garden, the song which goes “Standing by my window, listening for your call”, and the deep sadness that I felt.

Up to now, I never knew why I felt that sadness at such a young age. But every time I hear that song… standing by my window… listening for your call… that same feeling of sadness overcomes me, like a familiar blanket.

Today, I saw three familiar people pass by.

An old man with white hair passed by. I distinctly remember him because I used to hear my mom and tita talk about him every time he passes by. They say he never got married because he was drug dependent. I don’t know if he ever got married, nor if he was really on drugs. He looked old for his age. Was it the effect of the drugs? Was it because he didn’t have the motivation to live because he never felt loved?

A plump woman in her late 30’s also passed by. She has her 5 year old daughter in tow. She is my neighbor and my playmate’s older sister. She had an operation when she was in elementary. The doctor had to take out one of her ovaries. I think it’s a miracle that she was able to bear 2 children.

My 21 year old cousin also passed by. He’s in college now, and looking very different from the image I saw 20 years ago. As a baby, he was carried then by his yaya. But now, he’s all grown up to carry his own baby.

Time indeed changes everything and everyone. For some, time becomes their friend, but for some, their worst nemesis.

I hope that after 20 years, I can still sit by this same window, listen to the tapping of the falling rain, see familiar faces pass by, hear that same song in the radio, and feel that familiar but comforting feeling of sadness.


09:35 am
07 Feb 2008
Santiago City